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MAJOR ULTRA SUPER FLASH!!!
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ON THIS, THE 100th ANNIVERSARY
OF POWERED FLIGHT, VP REACHES A MILESTONE!
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VAL-U-PROP HAS ITS 10,000th
VISITOR!
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AND THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER
IS:
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SHANIA TWAIN!
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"OMIGOD!" said Shania, upon hearing she was selected
Grand Prize Winner as VAL-U-PROP's 10,000th guest.
"Of all the honors I've received, this is the
greatest! OMIGOD! I've been clicking on Val-U-Prop for three days hoping
to win!"
"OMIGOD! Does this mean I get to meet that fabulous,
sexy CEO? Faith Hill says he's a dreamboat - just the sexiest man on earth!
OMIGOD!"
*
After calming down, Shania
was told what her Grand Prize was to be:
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A NIGHT ON THE TOWN WITH
OUR CEO!!!
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"OMIGOD!" Shrieked Shania.
"I may not be a real Ojibway Indian, but I know a mighty fine Lodge-Pole
when I see one!"
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"WHAT A MAN! OMIGOD!!!"
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Shania's protruberances
ain't too bad either.
(Oh get real! You don't
go the Empire State Building to look at the basement! Jeez . . .)
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After trying to plant smooches
on our CEO, Shania sang for VP employees.
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Shania sang; "Oh, That Man of Mine" and "Gonna
Getcha!"
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She did NOT sing;
"Hey Big Spender."
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Shania poses for the media.
Nice navel, and we ain't talkin' oranges.
*
The party continued well
into the night - and a winsome Shania realized that her dream had come
true.
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SHE HAD FINALLY MET MR.
RIGHT!
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Wrong.
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Unfortunately all good things
must come to an end, and the night was finally over. Our CEO had to return
to his sacred duties at Val-U-Prop. Being taken to the airport at dawn
for her flight back to Nashville, Shania was most upset at leaving VAL-U-PROP
and its CEO behind.
*
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"Please let me stay! OMIGOD!!!
Just another day! Last night you said - "
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But our CEO had soothing
words for the distraught, disconsolate diva.
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"Last night we said a great
many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've
done a lot of it and it all adds up to one thing: You're getting on that
plane where you belong."
*
"But what about us?' pleaded
the soulful, seething singer.
*
"We'll always have Bloomington.
We didn't have - we lost it, until you came to KBMG."
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"And I said I'd never leave
you," moaned the creamy, country crooner.
*
"And you never will. But
I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going you can't follow. What I've
got to do you can't be any part of. Listen, Shania, I'm no good at being
noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of two little
people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll
understand that."
"VAL-U-PROP is part of me,
what makes me work. I can't abandon it even for a day, even for a moment.
Good-bye Shania!"
*
FINALLY, SHANIA BOARDED
A VP DC-3 AND HEADED BACK TO NASHVILLE.
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"Here's lookin' at you,
kid," said our CEO.
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At least that's how the
official VP press kit records the conversation.
Other witnesses report our
CEO being restrained while screaming:
"COME BACK, SHANIA! MEET
ME IN THE BACK OF HANGER NUMBER TWO!! PLEASE SHANIA! HANGER NUMBER TWO!!!!
OMIGOD!!!!!"
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Oh well . . .
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FLASH!! SUPERFLASH!!!
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This just in from Nashville,
23Z 12-17-2003:
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"That Shania has all the
luck! Gee, what a chance of a lifetime. Here I am stuck with a dope in
a stupid black hat, and she gets a chance with Mr. Val-U-Prop. I'd give
my Grammies for a night with him! Oh golly! I guess if Shania struck out
with him, I wouldn't stand a chance, either. Gee whiz! Guess I'll just
stay here in Nashville and forget about him."
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OMIGOD!!!!
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